tyPOS

Well let me begin.

I am going to type this without error.  If an error is caught, feel free to call me out.

A simple typo is not always so simple.  You can have all the help in the world and still mess up.  Spell check, four eyes, a proof reader; somehow, someway a typo slips through the cracks and you devolve into some humanoid creature that cannot use simple technology.

I have an iphone 7.....+. It's a big ass phone.  It took a few days to get used too.  Prior to this, I had an iPhone 5s.  Pretty normal and standard until I switched.  The 5s is now down right puny in my hands.  The 7+ is now the norm for me.

SOOOOO, I have this problem, I have large thumbs.  The phone size increased but my thumbs still manage to mash all the buttons together.  That, my folks is my excuse for tyPOS via iPhone.

Enter the roast.

I like to think that I'm like educated or whatever.  I read books hAHa


Anyways, I make quite a few typos in my groupchats.  It usually isn't bad.  Recently we have been on each other's grammar.  You get every name in the book when you make an error.  Oh man, it gets bad.  You have to correct your mistake immediately or else everyone sees it and hops on it.

Enter: Friendly Roasting Over Groupchats

One person said "Prestame tu Viejo, and he meant 'vieja.'"


Imagine the slander he was given.  You cannot mess up with my peeps, they will rip you to shreds.

Moral of the story, put on your spell check. Second moral, if you are going to roast someone, careful with your spelling and grammar.

Fantasy Football #2

HELLLLOOOOOOOO WORLD

Welcome to the second edition of the the CompaBowl. Some surprising events have arose. Who will have to get the Four Loko Keg? Who will goodelob beat next? Why are all of the first round picks sucking major farts out of non-existent asses? Why does RN11 reject all good trades? Read and find out!

Wow. Just wow. 6/8 people in this group are 3-3. Something is not good. NO ONE HERE KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE DOING. Y'all need to pick up the slack. Let's start by actually making an effort towards our team. Relax people, there will be one true winner and that will be the person doing keg stands while the Compas hold them up. You will be in good, strong, masculine hands, aka everyone's but Sergio's. 

Goodelong (3-3) - "How am I winning, I drafted three kickers."
Oh boy. Oh boy oh boy oh boy. How did this happen? Frogba is 3-2? He's tied for 1st place. Your team has vastly improved, well only by their record. You have had a few good weeks, I'll give you that Compa. I was not expecting that. Well if this winning trend continues there will be come seerrrrrriousssssss upsets coming into your future. I really hope that this was a fluke. I want you to end up getting this Four Loko Keg. I really do. Compa, it would be a gift for yourself. Sabotage your squad so you end up having to buy this keg Compa.
Rate: Pending Danger
Don't get your hopes up Compa, your squad is not build to last very long.

Enpiqueta (4-2) - "My benched players show up more than my players in my line up, huuuuuuh"
Woah, remember when you thought you were a fantasy hotshot? Well wake up idiot. This is not how you win. Your RB's are killing it for you. Poor choice in your QB though ehh? Stop thinking with your gut and use your big ass head. 
Rate: You're trash but you aren't in any danger, for now......

Rudnalfo (3-3) - "Nothing is going my way. Maybe I'm too loyal (no such thing) to my Vikings."
Congrats! you finally got a decent win. Your players showed up. Y O U A R E L E A R N I N G. Good boy. Your team won't stand tall very long though. You should consider making some changers aka trades. Please compa you don't need 12 WR's. You need another solid RB; consider a trade. Compa, fix your situation at QB, tell him to rub some dirt on it.
Rate: Danger. You're week to week. So don't keep your nose up in the air.

Balito (2-4) - "I'm on vacation but I can still snap/insta but my lineup is being neglected." Outstanding. I appreciate that you would go on vacation from the streets but you completely abandoned your team. Compa, how did you lose this week? Lermano didn't even set up his team. His bench outscored his players in his lineup. You need to chill with the calles and actually do something productive compa.
Rate: You should write a check for that 4 Loko Keg.

Sesho (3-3) - "Fantasy football has taken over my life and I have began to neglect my Pledge duties and my job." (Just the)Tip for this week, consider getting another RB or a true #2 WR. You can turn your season around, just grab bablo's phone and trade all his good players to your team. Help your brother out. It seems like both of you guys will be fighting to buy this legendary keg.
Rate: RED. DANGER. ROJO. DANGER. Make sure you score that job so you can assist your brother with purchasing that keg. 

Chest (3-3) - "I don't need any advice for Fantasy Football, I will win either way."
You lost to Enpique twice in one week. How. Learn to play fantasy football, you're making your opponents look way better than they actually are. Compa, don't be arrogant. Football is a game of wits, i dunno where you will find some wits but here is a tip, make changes, take chances and make mistakes. Yes that is a magic school bus reference. Deal with it. 
Tip: Slight danger, see you in the finals. 

Lermano (3-3) - "I'm too busy being a good husband/Compa/trabajador (respect) to edit my lineup."
Wow, your bench players went off. The fact that you didn't even play a QB and won was a sheer mystery. Well, it was, until I saw you played Bablo this week. Wow. You are a fantasy guru. Teach us compa. Tell us how to win with no effort. You're better off not doing anything for the rest of the season and winning games. 
Rate: Fix your line up and you're chillin', slight danger.

Krustnaldo (3-3) - "I like to take a shot for every point difference between me and my opponent.... I can't wait to play Goose." Compa, I know that you like to set up your lineup when you're pedas, but you need to chill. You got very lucky against La Rama, this week but you will be facing some still competition this week. Keep up the good work. I want to see you in the finals compa. 
Rate: Slight danger.

El Gallero Negro

So let me take y'all back to 3-4 years ago.

So I was chillin' with my Compa Gutz at his house. We were doing boy things; on this hot summer day, we spent it inside Fifin' it up (I can't lie, he had the upper hand that day, untillllllll....).

So we were in the middle of a beast ass Fifa 14 game. I had some Messi magic going and I believe that I was up for the first time in what had seemed like an eternity. Gutz had been scoring GOALAZOS on me and at this point I wanted to give up and watch him play COD. He wasn't scoring at all this particular game. He was hitting the crossbar like Lermano hits cans with his BB gun.

Then I scored. I scored again. It was 3-1 at this point. Gutz's let out his Aztec war cry of anger and frustration. The rooster heard Gutz scream from his house. The rooster roared with either fear or as an intimidation technique. That rooster had fucked up. Well, either way, that rooster had had it's last day of freedom. Tripitaz had spent weeks telling me, prior to this event, that his mom made BEAST ass caldo (not the same caldo that is made by Rudy, via leaving his drinking in his clammy ass hands too long), chicken soup to be exact. So Tripaz knew that my family had animals and that all Carranza men were beast ass animal tamers so he asked me to "go get that chicken for his mom."

I didn't question him at this point, I thought, "well it's just a chicken, let's go get it." We went outside and I asked Tripod, "where's the chicken?" and he points at the smallest rooster in the world [this will come back full circle stick with me]. I laughed at how tiny and pathetic the 'chicken' looked. So Gutz asked me to get the rooster for his mom, and we began to chase it. So I thought it was funny because you aren't supposed to chase these birds because they're faster than the typical human, but I let ElNotoriousGutz chase down the lil' birdie.

HE WAS GASSED. Those Corcoran summers ain't no joke. Ballpark tempt, 105 AT LEAST and it was around 7pm.

So we had the rooster cornered; it was in it's fight or flight mode. It was us two against the rooster.....or so I thought. I told Triputa to stand blocking one side and to be ready to not let the rooster passed him. Well this fool does not stand his ground. He get TERRIFIED. I saw a grown ass faithful young man cower in fear. He let out a sigh of relief as if he had che*ted death. We were back to square one.

We had the right strategies but we failed in our execution. I trusted Tripaz too much and that was my fatal flaw. So we cornered the rooster again. This gallito had balls. More balls than my fellow rooster wrangler at this point.

So we cornered this damn demon bird and I snatched it by it's left leg. It started flapping it's wings vigorously. Tripaz panicked and ran. He was never in any real danger I don't know why he ran. So I chased after him with the rooster in my hand and my other hand on its crest so it doesn't peck me. I was like a hunter, thrilled by the catch. My heart was beating, either about the thrill of the hunt or my body telling me how out of shape I was. I didn't care, man defeated beast that day, well one of us did anyways.

So Tripaz wanted to tell his mom that he caught the rooster, but the only way I would let that happen is if he held the bird. Mind you he had never held a live rooster before. So I told him that his mom would only believe him if he held the rooster. He agreed. As soon as I gave him the rooster, I let go of it's crest. It gave Tripaz at least 6 or 9 lighting fast vicious pecks. He almost let the damn thing go, all our hard work for nothing.

I snatched it from him and we proceeded to go inside.

So we presented the gift of beautiful future caldo to Momma Gutz and she was thrilled!! This lady was happy to see the rooster and said she would make soup out of it. She thanked us and said she would make the soup the next week.

So as we got back into Casa Gutz I eagerly wanted to return to the once in a lifetime ass whooping I had on Gutz. I looked at the TV and I saw that he had restarted the game. He did it behind my back. Scheming, cunning POS kept his controller with him the entire time. POS I had captured the dangerous beast and he had restated our game. POS move man. POFS. I was hurt. I had done all that work and wanted to be rewarded with a very needed 3-1 victory. Alas, I was che*ted of a victory. I had helped my Compa and he had betrayed me.

Fast forward a few weeks, no caldo has been made. In fact, the rooster now has 3 chicken hoes it lays with. My family had even given Momma Gutz a chicken and to this day they had a nice little area for their pollitos.  It is a polygamist relationship and the Gutz household continues to be provided by an abundance of fresh eggs.

Man tamed beast and became a beast. With all that had happened that day, one good thing happened, I became a real man. That is the day I became El Gallo Negro.

Off-roading in the Lincoln

Welcome back y’all!

First all, I apologize for not posting as often as I should - I’m new to this. Nonetheless, lets get this new post started. So now, I’m going to take it back old school, and I mean old school aka high school. So sit back, grab some popcorn, put on Juke Jam by Chance the Rapper and hold on to your seats.

Man, so this is going back to my senior year in high school, in the spring semester - so about 5 years ago. I was scrolling down my instagram feed in Mrs.Alberts English class. This was back when IG was in chronological order. Anywho, one of classmates (we’ll name him Bob) posted a picture about the Army. I cant really remember what the contents of the picture where but it involved the army. Well, a couple minutes later as I scroll past the picture again, I see about 15+ comments on it. When I clicked on it, to my surprise there was a full blown argument between two of my classmates (They were not in the same classroom but class of 2012). The other (we’ll name him Juan), was a full supporter of the marines and was planning to join after he graduated high school. To this day, I don’t know if he actually went the marine route but I’m positive he was involved in something with the military. Furthermore, they both were arguing about which branch was better and so on. Well, they both decided that they were going to fight about it after school (Lol). When school ended, a couple of buddies and I were hanging out by the quad area and started talking about going to see the fight. Well, since I had a car (Lincoln Town Car, ill have a picture of a similar car at the bottom of the page) so Goose, Fabian, Krusty and I got in the car and we drove off to see the fight. This, is where the story really gets good.

As we’re driving west on Whitley ave, no joke there was about 10+ cars filled with people who were going to see the fight. About a couple minutes of driving, we finally arrived to the spot where the fight was going to happen. Apparently, as all of us were getting out the car, they decided to change spots because the cops were allegedly called. So, we got back in the car and proceeded to find a new spot. Y’all, I kid you not, we drove for about 20+ minutes trying to find a spot lol. Finally, after bobbing and weaving through different streets we hit a canal bank where everyone was going into. Before I go further, the Lincoln Towncar that I’m driving is as large a boat, I’m not lying. In my mind I’m thinking, there’s no way I’m going into that dirt road with the car that I have. Mind you, the car is low to begin with and having passengers that were all above 200lbs was not the business lol. After careful consideration aka Goose saying “Do it pussy,” I drove down that dirt road. MAAANNNN THIS WAS THE SCARIEST FUCKING DRIVE OF MY LIFE. In the back of my mind I’m thinking, “If I get stuck here, how am I going to get out.” Every bump, every rock, every damn hole was felt as I’m crusing at about 35 - 45mph. I was so stressed man but this wasn’t even the worst part.

We FINALLY got to the spot were Bob and Juan started throwing hands. These dudes literally brought UFC gloves for the fight lol. A crowd of at least 40 people are cheering them on as if they are about to fight for money LOL. As they’re throwing hands, somehow they both hit each other at the same time and knocked each other down. YOO we all got wild when that happened LOL. Like, you only see that in movies not in real life Lol. Well, they got up, threw a couple more punches and in the distance - someone points out that field workers or supervisors were coming towards us in their trucks. We all rushed into the car and started driving way. Man, this is where shit got really real.

We’re driving into an even worse road than before, but what made this one worse is that THERE WERE DAMN PUDDLES EVERYWHERE. MANNN IF I THOUGHT I WAS SCARED BEFORE, THIS EASILY TOPPED IT OFF. I’m driving hitting puddles left and right, my front windshield is filled with nothing but water/mud, my hands are shaking, sweat is running down my face and these fatasses next to me are laughing about it. I prayed to god man, to not get me stuck in there because I would've been done; especially with no license. After about 10 minutes of driving in those conditions, we finally hit a paved road. THE SIGH OF RELIEF THAT I HAD MAN WAS INCREDIBLE. I’ve never been so relieved to seeing an actual road in my life until then. We finally got back to the high school for tennis practice (Yea, tennis LoL). I stepped out the car and start cleaning it with a dirty shirt I had in the back seat. As I’m drying it from the passenger door I come upon an indentation on the side skirt, YOOO THIS SHIT WAS CRACKED LMAOOO. My heart sank deep man Lol like, this couldn’t go any worse Lol. This wasn’t even my car, it was my brothers but he was lending it to me so I can drive to school. Luckily, he never noticed the cracked side skirt and sold the car later on.
I gotta be honest, It was a truly thrilling experience that had be by the edge of my seat, literally. Im never going to do that ever again.

Well Y’all, that’s the story of me off-roading the Lincoln. It was one of the few times we’re I actually panicked for my life. It is a rather long story but I thank everyone who came to read this post. Stay tuned for another story coming up.

Stay safe kings!

Love,

Luis Alvarez

The Whompas

Whompa is a term that you may see on this blog very often.

A whompa is a Who, What, When, Where, Why? Compa

A Compa that asks toooooooo many questions and isn't down af.

A Whompa is always welcome and very appreciated but they will be harassed by a plethora of jokes and immediately challenged. The Whompas are a needed balance for the rest of the Compas to take a break from each other. They need the occasional "special guest" appearance to take the heat of La Rana.

The Whompas are loved and the invitation is always welcome to them.

Typically the Whompas can't hang because their old ladies have their nuts on a noose.


Jusr kidding, a Whompa is just a White Compa.

The Sauce

The sauce is like drunk purgatory. You are neither here not there. 

Without fail, one compa will be lost in the sauce, pulling up form 15ft behind half court and firing missiles at the basket. They will "shoot their shot" no matter what the odds are. While being lost in the sauce you have the confidence of the Falcons going into the locker room before the second half of SuperBowl LI, but you could easily end up like those same Falcons at the end of the game.

Being sauced is great. Its amazing really. Getting lost in the sauce is even better, at first. It's very hard to maintain the right amount of sauciness and not many people are able to recount on their experience. 

The sauced state is unique because it is one step away from being completely unresponsive to rhythm or reason and having the confidence to "shoot your shot" from anywhere on the court.

This state makes or breaks your night out with the compas. If you reach this state, every song will be your favorite song.

 Nothing helps a compa reach the sauce faster than "Tragos De Amargo Liquor. The amount of times this songs comes on is directly correlated to the degree of sauced a compa is. This song is played a lot, even the whompas (lol) know it word for word. 

Remember readers, being sauced is a goal for every night and getting lost in the sauce is for special occasions (or if you have POS friends like mine that will challenge your easily susceptible masculinity and honor and inadvertent be lost in the sauce). 

Take care of your mind, body and soul. You are beautiful vessels my Kings, navigate this world one saucing at a time. 

Gucci said it best,

Cheers.

Faithful 559 Kings

Let us talk about friendship. 

We have known each other for years; whether it was through classes, sports, our families and well pretty much school related activities we became bonded. Our little group has grown and shrunk over the years, we pay tribute to the fallen [ex] compas and honor the new generations of tanque's by a belligerent hazing routine. Yes, hazing. Not that weak crap you see/hear of at fraternities (no elephant walks and DEFINITELY no paddles) just some straight up mental and physical abuse that will test your limits.

Sure, we fight, we bicker; Hell, one of us (allegedly) shit themselves and another had to be thrown in the shower so they stopped yelling (two separate nights.... more of that later), but we always are able to come back and pick up where we left off being filthy, unfiltered scum, who will crack open a lot of cold ones for the boys and respect women.